Sunday, July 03, 2005

Post-Mortem

So this is the anniversary weekend. Which explains my lethargy and not feeling like doing anything. This year also explains why I was able to shake off the lethargy and have a really good day yesterday. It seemed like it would be healthy and interesting to run down the highs and lows of the year.


Last year I was sleeping 12-14 hours a day and watching 10-12 hours of TV. Last night I went to bed on my own and woke up on my own - 7 hours. I still watch lots of TV. =-)

I started my own business.

I'm still trying to make my business go.

I got a dream job in HR which I love.

I moved into a new apartment - all my own memories.

I refurnished and got new everything - bed, couch, towels, etc.

I gained weight.

I started Weight Watchers just last week and I've lost 5 pounds to start.

I am *completely* med free. No anti-anxiety, anti-depressants or anti-psychotics. Daily vitamins - that's it.

He said he left me because of my sickness and he felt he would be taking care of me forever. I am now healthy, functioning and definitely not sick. The irony is I don't know that I would have gotten better if he stayed.

I've made one adult friend that didn't work out. I've made another adult friend through work. I have three great 9 year-old friends from the apartment complex. I'd rather hang out with them.

I don't know if he consciencely knew he was leaving when we drove the Alcan but there were signs. Yet the move brought me to a new home and to my parents. I am grateful.

I have had two roommates to share the rent. I can't decide if this means I can't/won't/don't want to live truly by myself or if it's really a financial thing. Or if it even matters.

I wish I was a mom.

I tried sattelite TV and switched back to cable after 3 months. And I got a digital recorder. Which I am never giving up!

I am much more outgoing than I remember being. And I am very much a quiet homebody. I need to get out each day or I fall too easily into depression. When I've had great interaction with people, I'm ready to come home and veg and be silent and not engage at all.

I've lost my faith.

I think I'm becoming a liberal.

Everything that I thought about being gay is/has changing/changed.

I really don't like cats.

I don't want emotional entaglements. I'm definitely not ready to date and really not too keen on making friends. I'm not ready for some adult to need my emotional support.

I'm learning so much about myself. I love this time of exploration and discovery.

I really value my friends who have stuck with me and who will let me call at midnight. Hugs and kisses to Laura and Jenn.

I still haven't unpacked the three boxes of framed picts and photo albums.

I changed back to my maiden name. I still find little things in my married name. Last week is was the dog's ID tags (I made new ones). It was also my framed college diploma. How does one deal with that? It's who I was when I earned the diploma and I was very happy with that person. It is not who I am now and I really don't feel like explaining the difference to people.

Some days it feels like the 14 years together didn't even happen.

My ring finger still feels naked when I'm driving to work.

I think he's angry about the financial settlement of the divorce and that bothers me. It also bothers me that I'm bothered.

I have changed my address, driver's license, voter registration, etc. yet I still hear myself referring to myself as an Alaskan. It's been easier to become single than to become a Washingtonian.

Three weeks ago I had my first dream involving me meeting/dating another guy.

6 comments:

K said...

I'm so proud of you and how far you've come. I do wish we both lived closer though, I sure miss you! I remember back to a time when you were the most out-going person I knew, glad your getting back to that around others. It makes me sad to hear you've lost your faith though. I didn't realize. I really hope you can find your way back to him. You two and your faith were always such a positive and strong influence for Marty and I. I know you've had some very negative things testing you but God loves you and he wants you with him. I'll be praying with all my heart for you.

Knottyboy said...

I have to grab at this one. YOu lost your faith? Naw, but what is happening is you're questioning what constitutes your faith. You can be optomistic and still keep your faith. I think you would benefit from seeing the movie "What the bleep do we know", you will be very surprised how close you are to the very ideas and powers we pray to. You have shown what an incredibly amazing woman you are. I'm very very proud of you.
A Liberal? OMG you need a big ol kiss. Liberal isn't a bad thing, liberals are the ones that create change in their lives and the lives of other with plenty of room for more new ideas that change the world for the better. How's this for a definition?..."Not limited to or by established, traditional, orthodox, or authoritarian attitudes, views, or dogmas; free from bigotry." That is something all of us should be.
Hugs,
k

Klondike Kate said...

Thank you both so very much.

Sorry to disapoint you Bossco. It's sad to disapoint you but I've decided it's much easier to disapoint than live something I no longer have the conviction for.

Knotty - you are a gem. Thank you for your very kind words. You've given me some good things to think about. And who knows, in a few more months I might actually relish that "liberal" title!

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