Thursday, March 24, 2005

Off with her head

I've just been head hunted! I've always wondered what that would be like and if I would ever get good enough to be on someones call list.

Now the guy probably was just calling similar businesses in the area but still... It was cool!

I declined to get into an in-depth conversation with him since I'm still in my first 90 days and I like working part-time. Fun experience though!

Monday, March 21, 2005

not such good news

Been feelin' kinda punky for a week. Finally got some medical advise.

Turns out I have an intestinal flu. **Intestinal** Guess how I've been feelin? And it's supposed to last two weeks. I still have a week to go.

TMI yet? =-)

Friday, March 18, 2005


All my work emails fit on one page! Yeah! Now that's a good day's work!

? Prophet

So if couch potatoes who guess at football games are pigskin prophets what are the equivalent basketball fans called?


Well, I guessed 15 out of the 16 first round NCAA games played last night. Love that beginners luck!

Then I actually emailed the in-house guru and asked "So how do you think Milwaukee will do against Boston?" OMG! I sound like a stereotype! Ack! What has become of me???

Very Good Day

A very nice day, as birthdays go. I received a call from my brother and his wife. Great to talk with them even if they were just getting out of the ER. My niece Rori has a bad virus. She's doing better.

Mom and dad cooked up a great dinner of grilled beef fillet, baked potato, salad and devil's food cake. Very yummy. And it was nice to spend the evening with them.

I got the best present! You've seen those globes where each country is a different semi-precious stone and the oceans are deep azure? She gave me one! Yippee! I've wanted one for ages. I mentioned it once to her and she remembered - that felt awesome!

And I bought myself two new pigs for my collection. I collect piggy banks - and this is very specific. It must be a piggy bank (no general pig statues), it must be shaped like a pig (bunny rabbit piggy banks don't count, and it must be ceramic (no plastic piggy banks). And the bonus is if it is hand painted. Those are the best! So I found four in a great little gift shop and limited myself to two (for today at least!)

Then I curled up on the couch and watched a movie.

A very good day.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Big Wind

There was a weather alert yesterday for dust and wind. This did not compute as such a thing is completely out of my range of experience. The closest reference I had was HS history class discussing the Dust Bowl of the 1940's.

So - wind can be very strong - I have now learned. The drive home wasn't too bad really. Kept both hands a little firmer on the wheel and had to fight it a few times. Kindof like driving in slushy snow and fighting to stay center. The sky looked similar to a smoke or ash filled sky. The dust was very gritty on the teeth - yuck.

The best thing though was the news at work the next morning. One of my co-workers car was parked on a hill. It blew off and went down a hill/ravine/gully thing about 350 feet. Let me repeat the car blew off the hill. Now that is wind.

New Thing

I was just asked if I wanted in on the Brackets. "Huh?" was my very intelligent answer. With my co-workers very generous further explanation, I am now participating in the office pool for March Madness. Yes, I the uneducated, am about to fill in my predictions for the NCAA basketball tournament. $10. Not a bad investment for some amusement and further connection with my co-workers. Of course this is a complete crapshoot for me since the only thing I know about college basketball is that the local car dealership is having a sale tied to March Madness.

Wish me luck! (yeah, right) =-)


OK - It's not done BUT...

I finally got all the boxes moved around in the study, found all my office supplies, found the frying pans I had really been missing and basically now have a place for everything. Further refinement needed but I feel MUCH better.

The Day

Happy Birthday to Me! =-)

34 is going to be a good year.

Monday, March 14, 2005


Good - extra hours at work
Bad - union negotiations - serious headache
Good - employees like and trust me
Bad - spend every day last week and today dealing with immediate employee issues - my inbox overfloweth with all the other things I'm supposed to do
Good - Organizing business is really picking up
Bad - Work 9-5, 30 minute consult=90 minutes, back to home 7:30pm
Good - Mommy had dinner ready and waiting!!
Bad - roommate just loves to talk when I get home
Bad - It's now 10pm and I'm just sitting down to get caught up on the day and ready for tomorrow
Bad - I'm in such a fuckin' bad mood. I really need an organizer to come unpack me and get this office set up so I can function.
Good - I got my Zire Palm today - yipeee! - no more double scheduling!

Damn Cat

Damn cat. Damn, damn, DAMN cat!
Ran away - wouldn't come - spend too much time chasing it.

Grrrrr. i SO don't need this.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Fat facts

In the 1990's, the average adult gained 10lbs. In 2000, airlines spent about $275 million on fuel to carry our extra weight.

Great Proverbs

There is no economy in going to bed early to save candles if the result be twins. Chinese

Why should a man without a head want a hat? Chilean

Monday, March 07, 2005

Cell phone-y

I just found out that the 10 free photo downloads a month from my phone to my email require the purchase of the $5 monthly plan. Grrrrrrr.

Scary moment

Tonight my roommate fed Seby a treat - a round, soft meat, disk thing. Since it was soft he inhaled it- literally. He started choking and making horrible wheezing sounds. It was terrible. He couldn't throw it up and couldn't get it down. It was too far down for me to get. He just kept breathing weird, then convulsing. His heart was just racing. We tried all sorts of things. It took almost an hour for him to get back to somewhat normal and another hour before his tail was back up.

It was so scary there for a bit. I can't imagine life without him.

Sunday, March 06, 2005


Three new paid clients from the home show! Yeah! So that means I've earned my lounge chair!!

And now I've made a new goal - pay off my business debt and get a new piece of jewelry - with sapphires.

Thursday, March 03, 2005


Monday I get the office and a reminder comes on my computer - Go to Bellevue. (Not the psych ward!)

Crap! I'm supposed to drive to Bellevue and go to a conference the next day!

Work quick, run home and pack, drive 220mi, check in to hotel, sleep. Go to conference all day, drive home. Very tired. Great conference though.

Tuesday. Call in sick (I don't travel well and when you miss your meds.....). Get up later and decide to go to work. Get dressed. Go to find keys. No keys. Look everywhere. No keys. Call Mom. Nope, never gave her the key.

Sigh. Call locksmith. 30 minutes and $40 later - have keys, will travel. (First stop - Mom's house to give her the spare key)

At office decide to go buy Dt. Coke. Look in change pocket of purse. See spare car key. Mentally kick self all the way to the Coke machine.

Office locale

I love having my own office. Full floor to ceiling walls, door, window to the hallway (unfortunately not to the outside). Pretty great.

The very bad thing - I'm next door to the men's room and across from the women's room.

This is annoying for several reasons:
- hearing the fans in the bathrooms turning on and off all day (the fans are on timers so they just click off at odd moments)
- the smell of bathroom deoderizer wafting into my area (I have a candle burning in defense)
- the sound of people pooping

This is just gross. I know it's human and all but I would just rather not hear an explosive grunt from some guy who's just made it to the bathroom in time to lay a big one.


Why am I always late? I just got called on the carpet, though in the most gentle way possible, for being late (25 minutes) twice now that he's seen. Eeghads!

This is bad. I know it's bad, I know it looks wrong, I know it send the wrong message, I know I'm HR and held to a higher standard...

Why can't I make myself be ontime? I don't think I've been on the dot on time for more that three or four days out of all the days I've worked. I'm constantly 5, 10, 15 minutes late. Why, why, why?

I've tried setting my alarm earlier - no effect. Snooze too long. I've tried setting my alarm later - to catch my more awake point in the circadian rhythym. Limited success.

It's almost like I'm waiting to get into trouble before I can make myself be on time. What is up with that????

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Just thinking...

a raise
a second week of vacation (prorated by hours, of course)
1 day a month I can re-arrange my schedule to speak or attend an event relating to my own business.

Too much to ask for at a 90 day review?


Anger, such fierce anger. What - am I so easily forgettable that he would never call or contact me again? His blog - my only link - is filled with allusions to new friends, many gay. Has he gone over? Flirtations or actions? has his faith changed? He certaintly donesn't mention it like he once did.

Pain - pain of regection. Of being someone someone else has gotten over. could I have another relationship that was not a rebound?

Rejection - lonliness. Does he miss the comraderie? The sharing of the days events? The sharing of bodies?

Why is this thing with new found social skills such a discovery? This was always an open option before. Truth - I didn't like him doing things without me. I was threatened, insecure. yet before the big blackness, there were times and suggestions that were never taken up. I remember suggesting karoke! why couldn't we have done these things together?

No I fantasize about the Amazing Race. the divorced couple, still great friends, having a history together they have an edge over the competition. They are able to read each other, communicate bettertriumph without digressing into yelling, name calling, rudeness. They find each other in the Race and maybe some gentle coupling. I don't know what the end of the Race would hold? Do they each seperate again? Do the call, email stay in contact? I think of this as possible motivation for losing weight, getting in shape. Is this daydream so much fantasy as a dream?

The dreams of him are less frequent as I guess time would make them. Two? Three? weeks ago was the last one I remember. His face just came to me all of a sudden. I realized i had been worried about forgetting - the way you worry about losing the face of a dead loved one. Then presto here is his face, kind, thoughtful, loving there for me again.

Being loved. I miss that. Having gotten into the first argument/serious situation with my mom since moving here, I feel even more alone.

Dare I confess? I seem to have lost the one friend I made here. Does that somehow validate what he thought of me? Validate the leaving? I really am not a good person to be around?

Colleagues, co-workers, clients find delight in me but they only know the public face. Finding other friends is an untrodden path for me. It's never been easy for me to make friends. I've always been the type to only have a very few close confidants and friends. Definately a detriment now.

The church was the place to make acquaintances at least. A common creed and common pot luck recipies gave entry into social circles. I don't even know where to go here. I know the standard thought - activity interest groups, volunteering, etc. The really bad part is I have little energy to devote to such endeavors. New job, new business, new home, new environment, new healing. I may be a TV junkie but it is also a place of escape and solace I need. I need others yet need so much time alone.

and I do not want to make my roommate, however sweet and giving, into a confidant friend. She is my roommate. I'm not interested in deepening the acquaintanceship.

I realized I had spend days not surfing over to the blog and was pleased the thought had not crossed my mind. Then I view and obsess and wonder and cry and stay up too late trapped by thoughts that need to escape. Delete the shortcut. does that delete the relationship?

Looking at pictures - only a few that happen to cross my hands - it is like seeing a stranger. Did I know this person? Was that time only a dream? There is a fatalistic side of me that seems to believe this was inevitable. I review my life and see these stages - childhood, fracture, schooling, Japan, return, falling in love, college, marriage, graduation, work, brokeness, betrayal, loss. All these things so common to all yet unique in their arrangement in my life. Yet there is this childhood, marriage, now feeling that skips over the marriage To childhood, learning, now. Like the marriage was always something that wasn't going to last. A stage i would go through but then be able to divorce from emotionally as easily as the divorce proceeded on paper. Not that it was a mistake - no, this is not saying the marriage was a mistake. But a cosmic path that was an option. I chose the option, lived it out and now am back on the path after some sort of pleasant interlude. An interlude I can distance myself from and only keep the kernals of knowledge and experience I gained.

Perhaps all this esotericism is 2am. perhaps it is because I am litterally in another world. New home, new town, new job, new atmosphere. After all, I was only married and living with him for 6 weeks before I was alone here. I have no desire to return to Alaska. I wonder if a return would trigger things? of course it would - wouldn't it? yet I'm the one he taught, wooed, cultivated, lectured into becoming more emotional. Some of that is retained but there is a very familiar, comfortable detachment. Like choosing to abandon that detachment was somehow a breach of self, a giving away of my core that should never have been given. So in losing one thing I've come home to another. A bit wiser, having experience more but back to acknowledging and keeping truer to my core self.

I gave up too much of myself to the marriage. I think we both did. If only we could have learned this sooner and not had to seperate, lose each other. We were sooooo goood together!! There was so much goodness and richness to what we had together. Was it really his secret or my blackness that was the reason at each ascribes to the other? I've learned now the power of my mind to control my brain chemicals. The emotionalness - in touchness that I learned in the marriage really strongly contributed to my going out of control. With detachment has come an almost disappearance of symptoms and the continual reduction of medication.

So what is healing? Getting over him? Getting off all meds? Knowing limits? it does not help to ask why but the question still haunts. I gained so much from this precious relationship and I miss soooo many things. Why can't we get together now - now that we're learning enough of ourselves to make the us whole again?

Friends, family think I'm foolish for entertaining the thought of getting back together again. No matter what the Christian community thinking is, so the consensus goes, gay is gay and should not invite such a stumbling block back into the relationship. They point to my health improvement. Yet how do I explain it is all so much more complicated than that? I am much improved in health yet still have many hangups. And part of the improvement is acknowledgement of limits. so would new knowledge equal new health in the relationship? for the long term? yes and probably no.

The thoughts are getting circular and nonsensical now. the truth is a broken relationship is always subject to review and I think there are few satisfactory answers to be found.