Sunday, July 31, 2005

The Pain

I did not realize how much of owning your own business was rejection. People saying no - people looking at you crazy for quoting a price - etc.

I've been reading several marketing books lately because I really need to get paying clients and that is very hard in a place where I'm not known and where I know so few people. To do this I have to sell myself and my product - organizing services.

May I just say I hate sales?! I did some direct sales of make-up/skin care one summer in college. I didn't continue because I just couldn't push someone to buy something they said they couldn't afford and I didn't like working so hard and being told no I don't want any! (selfish me, I know).

Now I own my own business - which is organization not sales - and yet, sales in the name of the game. Books will tell you if you talk to 10 people and one says yes then you're doing great - that's a 10% conversion factor! The really great people get to 60% and most of us to 40-50%. That means there is a whole lot of talking to people who are going to reject my offer in the future. I really hate that.

I get that whole thing of looking positive and finding the Yes and so on. Just right now, it sucks.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Notes from the day

She did it again. I'm wearing a nice outfit. The roommate comes in and wants to know if it's Thursday or Friday. 'Cause apparently I'm wearing an outfit that screems "casual". It was Thursday. When is she going to learn to keep her mouth shut????

More weight loss - yeah! But weird eating habits. I'm definately recognizing the emotional ties to my eating - I just don't know what to do to change it. One of my young friends was over last night. We made pancakes together. I ate 3. I wanted more but I wouldn't eat in front of her. So I gorged after she left. How sick is that?!?!

I still haven't brought in any new clients. I talk to people and they tell me how succesful I'm going to be but still no clients. I'm having a hard time even giving my services away! (testing new products in exchange for testimonial) This would have been so much easier in Fairbanks where I knew lots of people and I was known. It's really hard to figure out how to reach people when you're in a new town.

I have found a great hairstylist! This is a significant accomplishment!

My windshield cracked in the heat so it was replaced last week. Which meant I no longer have an Alaska registration sticker on my window. One more small thing gone. Maybe I'll become a Washingtonian yet.

106. Degrees. Outside. (That's all I have to say on that.)

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Feet first

There are many ways to get into the pool. There's the cautious toe dip that has one cringing before even touching the water. There's the graceful glide down the stairs. And the variation of desending the ladder into the water. There's the very controlled dive into the depths with arms outstretched.

And then there's the blind cannonball - jumping off into the unknown depths to be immersed in an indefinate temperature of chlorinated water.

I have become a cannonball jumper.

Monday, July 25, 2005


I'm so mad now I could just spit.

I didn't sleep well - really weird dreams. My jaw aches from clenching my teeth. I'm tense. I'm ready to snap at anybody and everybody. I want to hit something.

Only I have no idea why.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Random Thoughts

It's been a long while since I posted... those phantom blog posts are going well though! =-) Here are a few thoughts I pulled out of the ether and transcribe into electronic form...

Last Friday is was 102. That is really hot. Especially if your body still thinks you're an Alaskan.

Last Friday I ran a few errands with my mom. First stop returning 5 boys in their car to their mother. Their car had no air conditioner. 102. 20 minute drive. No air conditioning. I spent the rest of the evening feeling sick, laying on the couch underneath the air conditioner.

Hot weekend weather = people in the pool at 9pm. This is a new one for me. To drive past the pool at night, after dark and see 20 people still hanging out.

I've been having lots of fun with my young friends going to the pool almost daily. Annaid was afraid of the water but with some encouragement has now progressed to jumping into the deep end (I catch her hands), and paddling along while holding on to my fingers. Just this week she discovered a Noodle allows her to paddle all over without my support. Problem is I cannot seem to teach her how to float. This is critical is teaching her how to swim and feeling like she's not going to drown if I don't keep a sharp eye out. Exactly how do you teach a kid how to float????

I got vacation time!!!!!! Remember how frustrated I was that I only got 20 hours of vacation after a year instead of the 50 after 90 days that I thought I should get? Well, I (finally!) had my 90 (read 180) day review and my boss addressed the memo I sent requesting a change in my original offer letter to give me more vacation. We discussed it but he was seriously stuck on the "signed this letter" thing. He said he would ammend it to 25 hours after the first of the year but that was it. I thanked him and left.

The next day I was working (very coincidentally) on two other employee vacation issues and was given the current vacation policy in memo form that I had never seen. So in applying that vacation policy to the employee's situation, I realized the policy spelled out vacation for part-timers according to the exact same schedule I was advocating!! So in an off-hand moment I gave my boss the memo, re-iterated that I didn't go looking for it, and said I thought he'd like to know what the policy actually said.

Long and short - I got my vacation time!!!!! Yeah!

On the probationary review - I received outstanding on every category except one - you guessed it - tardiness. You know, even though he rated me excellent on everything, the one thing that sticks in my mind is the "unsatisfactory" for being late. The frustrating thing is I thought I was doing really well. I guess in comparison I am doing well. BUT in the last three months I have been late 12 times. "Excessive" was his term. Last means even one minute past 9am. So most of my lates were clocking in at 9:02 or 9:03. Frustrating for me but I'm not mad at him. It's a very strict standard but really, there's no reason I shouldn't be able to clock in at 8:58-9:00. It's just so annoying that I'm not "there" yet. Grrrrr. Very embarrassing really.

So that's the news for the week. Enjoy your Sunday!

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Saturday's obsession

I was going to post that I couldn't post because I just got my copy of the Harry Potter book. Yes, I am one of the masses... though I was smart enough to order from Amazon and so did not stand in line for hours waiting for the midnight release.

I read it all yesterday. It was great and I've been depressed all day. I can't decide if I'm depressed because of a very shocking and sad turn of events in the book (no spoilers from me!) or if it's because I have nothing more to look forward too.....

Monday, July 11, 2005

Tie Guy

Ever worn a crazy tie to work? Do it once or twice and most people will just label you as having really bad taste. Do it all the time and you become a community fixture.

Unless you work for the government. Then you're a subversive and ordered to conform. So much for the wild, individuality of the Alaskan mystique.

The story.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Top 10

Ten reasons hanging with kids is so great...

10 - pick up games of croquet
9 - teachable moments like explaining that the dog peeing every few steps is the way he marks his territory
8 - shredding paper becomes one of the funnest things in the whole wide world
7 - giggling
6 - they don't think I'm too fat to go swimming
5 - card games become less about winning and more about sportmanship
4 - making potato salad knowing that hard boiled eggs cut into amusing trapezoids really just makes it taste better
3 - playing with kids is better than any gym membership
2 - learning Spanish
1 - there's nothing like a kid to make you laugh when you feel down

Continuing the saga...

I decided to bring up the missing stuff conversation again hoping to get it resolved. No such luck. I ended up almost yelling at her. My roommate is now convinced that I tossed some of her stuff when going through my ex-husbands stuff. Apparently I couldn't tell what was his/mine/ours and what was hers and apparently I sent her stuff to him.

And the mysterious tomato box is still an issue. Now it includes a pink clipboard and some second-hand candles that she gave me, I tossed, and she rescued. Right. I tossed her gift and then decided I really needed those darn candles (which I wouldn't be able to display because I stole them back from her) so I misplaced/tossed/sent to my former husband the entire contents of the tomato box.


I've decided to drop the issue and use this to motivate me to work harder on my business so I can generate the income I need to pay the rent all by my little lonesome. Then I will convert the big bedroom into a kids room and take in foster kids.

And be very happy about showing her the door.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Fat Man Walking

I just heard about the journey of Steve Vaught, a 400+ pound man who is walking across the US to lose weight and regain his self. His story is inspirational. He too battled depression and gained lots of weight along that journey. Now he is walking off the weight and sorting out the stuff in his head.

I only wish I were closer so I could offer shelter and a shower for a night.

Keep trekking Steve!

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Where I'm from

For all my non-Alaskan readers and former Alaskan readers...

Presenting the moose who checked into the hospital...

And yes this really happened at Alaska Regional Medical Center in Anchorage, Alaska. And no, it's not a fake. And no, it's not common. But yes, it is common to see moose in the city - especially young, stupid ones. Well, at least the moose was smart enough to turn around and leave (and the people were smart enough to stay out of its way!)

Monday, July 04, 2005

The real story

I'm so pissed off! Remember the note my roommate left me? Well, of all the things I thought it could have been, the real subject was no where close.

She accused me of stealing her stuff. Me! Stealing!

And the stuff I've supposedly thefted? Papers, an old hammer, an old pair of pliers and an tomato box full of stuff. What papers you may ask? Receipts for rent. From me. I stole the receipts I wrote while she was renting from me.

Arrest me now.

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Sunday, July 03, 2005


So this is the anniversary weekend. Which explains my lethargy and not feeling like doing anything. This year also explains why I was able to shake off the lethargy and have a really good day yesterday. It seemed like it would be healthy and interesting to run down the highs and lows of the year.

Last year I was sleeping 12-14 hours a day and watching 10-12 hours of TV. Last night I went to bed on my own and woke up on my own - 7 hours. I still watch lots of TV. =-)

I started my own business.

I'm still trying to make my business go.

I got a dream job in HR which I love.

I moved into a new apartment - all my own memories.

I refurnished and got new everything - bed, couch, towels, etc.

I gained weight.

I started Weight Watchers just last week and I've lost 5 pounds to start.

I am *completely* med free. No anti-anxiety, anti-depressants or anti-psychotics. Daily vitamins - that's it.

He said he left me because of my sickness and he felt he would be taking care of me forever. I am now healthy, functioning and definitely not sick. The irony is I don't know that I would have gotten better if he stayed.

I've made one adult friend that didn't work out. I've made another adult friend through work. I have three great 9 year-old friends from the apartment complex. I'd rather hang out with them.

I don't know if he consciencely knew he was leaving when we drove the Alcan but there were signs. Yet the move brought me to a new home and to my parents. I am grateful.

I have had two roommates to share the rent. I can't decide if this means I can't/won't/don't want to live truly by myself or if it's really a financial thing. Or if it even matters.

I wish I was a mom.

I tried sattelite TV and switched back to cable after 3 months. And I got a digital recorder. Which I am never giving up!

I am much more outgoing than I remember being. And I am very much a quiet homebody. I need to get out each day or I fall too easily into depression. When I've had great interaction with people, I'm ready to come home and veg and be silent and not engage at all.

I've lost my faith.

I think I'm becoming a liberal.

Everything that I thought about being gay is/has changing/changed.

I really don't like cats.

I don't want emotional entaglements. I'm definitely not ready to date and really not too keen on making friends. I'm not ready for some adult to need my emotional support.

I'm learning so much about myself. I love this time of exploration and discovery.

I really value my friends who have stuck with me and who will let me call at midnight. Hugs and kisses to Laura and Jenn.

I still haven't unpacked the three boxes of framed picts and photo albums.

I changed back to my maiden name. I still find little things in my married name. Last week is was the dog's ID tags (I made new ones). It was also my framed college diploma. How does one deal with that? It's who I was when I earned the diploma and I was very happy with that person. It is not who I am now and I really don't feel like explaining the difference to people.

Some days it feels like the 14 years together didn't even happen.

My ring finger still feels naked when I'm driving to work.

I think he's angry about the financial settlement of the divorce and that bothers me. It also bothers me that I'm bothered.

I have changed my address, driver's license, voter registration, etc. yet I still hear myself referring to myself as an Alaskan. It's been easier to become single than to become a Washingtonian.

Three weeks ago I had my first dream involving me meeting/dating another guy.

Beauty Treatment

Have you ever shaved your feet?

So I'm in the shower, shaving my legs. My heel itches. The pumice is by the sink getting cleaned. The razor is in my hand.

Why not scratch with a razor? I'll be careful. You know, my heel calouses are very annoying and pumiceing them to death does not seem to help. Would a razor take of that little outer layer of skin cells? OMG, this actually shaves off little layers of skin - and no pain!

OK - it was a weird experience but my heels look great! So I figured I could not be the first person to stumble onto this. It's probably some ancient swedish art.

So I mentioned this to my mom who laughed and said that I was definately not the first one to use this technique. It's apparently quite popular in Europe but it's illegal here since you can really mess up your foot. Or at least you have to have a specially licensed podiatrist do it.

I am a lawbreaker! Such a new thing for me. =-)


I think my roommate is going to move out. She left a note on my computer this morning.
"When I get home tonight I would like to talk with you. Its important."

I hate that. Why tell me you need to talk? Just come home and talk!

And I know I shouldn't get all bent our of shape over a note. It would be fine if she moved out. But just that stupid not triggers all this stressing over things *that don't matter*. Is she mad at me? Have I done something wrong?

Arrrgh! She is not a person of emotional consequence to me so why should I care what she thinks?! Logic still does not over-rule my illogical thoughts. Sigh.