Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Love and Logic

So have any of the parents out there ever heard of or used Love and Logic? It's a parenting philosophy/system aimed at teaching kids responsibility and self esteem through allowing them to experience the logical choices of their own consequences (age appropriate of course).

In short, you give a child a task they can do (make their bed, etc.), hope they blow it, lovingly empathize with their predicament and then let them try again.

In the book it sounds great. Takes away power struggles, reduces angry parents, lets the kid own their own problems, etc.

My frustration is trying to figure out how to apply this when there is such a lack of history and such defiance on AV's part. She is so sensitive to "anger" that when I use a stern, no-nonsense voice, she will litterally recoil back and then react with her own defensive anger. I don't see myself as yelling or being out-of-control angry, but she does.

So I'm seeking to change some of my skills to help her learn to grow. She uses being "afraid" of me as a shield to avoid the responsibility and consequenses of any given situation so if I can remove that shield, I'm hoping she can begin to learn personal responsibility.

This parenting stuff is not for the faint of heart!!!!


Kiana said...

Ever seen Supernanny? Great show, her techniques work too. No anger or yelling involved, just consistency. Never heard of what you mentioned though.

Klondike Kate said...

Supernanny is actually quoted on the coverleaf of the Love and Logic book. She uses some of the stuff but doesn't call it L&L. I agree, she's great!

Charity said...

I've been using love and logic now for about a year. In that year, twice I've had to take my daughter to school in her pj's. You are so on track when you say it's not for the faint hearted. It is so hard to stick to your guns and let your children fail. I want to run after them, hover like a helicopter parent, and rescue them. Good luck! It will work eventually.

Anonymous said...

Hi, Kate, found your blog thru my Google alert for "Love & Logic".

It's Liz from I Speak of Dreams. I've been a L&L parent for years--started with my two stepsons almost 20 years ago (!!!) --back before the books, just tapes.

I also facilitate L&L classes. Haven't had any foster parents (yet), although I am hoping to expand.

You're starting out with a relatively older child, who has been in fostercare for almost 20% of her life.

The first part of "Love & Logic" is the part that AV may not have internalized-- love & trust.

How do you build up the love & trust bank?

ONE: Give AV lots of choices, met with your approval:

Guidelines for Sharing Control Through Choices
by Jim Fay

* Never give a choice on an issue that might cause a problem for you or for anyone else.
* For each choice, give only two options, each of which will be OK with you.
* If the child doesn't decide in ten seconds, decide for him or her.
* Only give choices that fit with your value system.

Some Love and Logic Examples of Little Choices

1. Would you like to wear your coat or carry it?
2. Are you going to clean the garage or mow the lawn this week?
3. Will you have these chores done tomorrow? Or do you need an extra day to get them finished?
4. Are you having peas or carrots as your vegetable tonight?
5. Are you going to bed now? Or would you like to wait 15 minutes?
6. Can you stay with us and stop that, or do you need to leave for a while and come back when you are sweet?
7. Are you going to put your pajamas on first or brush your teeth first?
8. Will you be home at 10:00? Or do you need an extra half hour with your friends?
9. Are you guys going to stop bickering? Or would you rather pay me for having to hear it?

Sounds like

TWO: a big dose of "positive noticing" might help you out here with AV.

Positive noticing is different that praise.

Praise is "What a good job you did of roller skating! I'm proud of you!"

Positive noticing is "I see you like to roller skate!" or "Wow! You roller-skated for 15 minutes straight!"

More on positive noticing (I wrote a whole blog post, with directions)

More on controlling parental responses from SchwabLearning

More resources:

L&L forum

L&L Yahoo Group