Monday, April 24, 2006

Random ruminations

Why is it that I feel I was closer to my core self at 18 than 35? What is it that moves us away from the person we are to be something we’re not?

I have had the opportunity in the last year and a half to re-examine and re-choose who I want to be – my attitudes, behaviors, views, opinions – everything. And what I find myself moving towards feels very familiar – like a distant memory. There are times when I can emotionally jump from now back to senior year of high school/first year of college and see a person I really like. But what happened to those in between years?

Yes, I’m divorced and that was very hard but I’m not bitter. We had many really good years together and I have a lot of really great memories. But what is it about those marriage years that pulled me away from the person I was?

I’ve actually heard from several other women lately that they have felt similarly. That somehow through the marriage and mothering process they lost their own personality. Some of these women are divorced, some are still married.

It makes me think – if I was ever to venture into the dating/marriage arena again, how would I manage the compromise of relationship while holding on to the core of me? What about this new foster parent adventure I’m about to go on?

I like this person I am becoming – much more than the person I was 2-5-10 years ago. How does one hold onto that and continue to grow?


Tan Lucy Pez said...

One of our problems as women is that we are taught to "wait" to finish ourselves. We don't want to be too complete when our prince appears. Like Snow White, we await the kiss that will wake us up.

If you are too complete, too smart, too in charge, well then, we were taught that no man would want us.

Can it be that we should love a man just because we love him, and not because he will "save" us? And is it possible to be happy without a man? I certainly think "yes," is the answer to that. But the truth is I have been married all of my adult life, so I don't know from experience. My gut tells me that we should absolutely make sure that we ARE complete before we consider loving anyone. Man or woman.

Be happy. Be happy in your own good company.

Klondike Kate said...

That's awesome TLP. Thanks for that. KK

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