anger

Anger, such fierce anger. What - am I so easily forgettable that he would never call or contact me again? His blog - my only link - is filled with allusions to new friends, many gay. Has he gone over? Flirtations or actions? has his faith changed? He certaintly donesn't mention it like he once did.

Pain - pain of regection. Of being someone someone else has gotten over. could I have another relationship that was not a rebound?

Rejection - lonliness. Does he miss the comraderie? The sharing of the days events? The sharing of bodies?

Why is this thing with new found social skills such a discovery? This was always an open option before. Truth - I didn't like him doing things without me. I was threatened, insecure. yet before the big blackness, there were times and suggestions that were never taken up. I remember suggesting karoke! why couldn't we have done these things together?

No I fantasize about the Amazing Race. the divorced couple, still great friends, having a history together they have an edge over the competition. They are able to read each other, communicate bettertriumph without digressing into yelling, name calling, rudeness. They find each other in the Race and maybe some gentle coupling. I don't know what the end of the Race would hold? Do they each seperate again? Do the call, email stay in contact? I think of this as possible motivation for losing weight, getting in shape. Is this daydream so much fantasy as a dream?

The dreams of him are less frequent as I guess time would make them. Two? Three? weeks ago was the last one I remember. His face just came to me all of a sudden. I realized i had been worried about forgetting - the way you worry about losing the face of a dead loved one. Then presto here is his face, kind, thoughtful, loving there for me again.

Being loved. I miss that. Having gotten into the first argument/serious situation with my mom since moving here, I feel even more alone.

Dare I confess? I seem to have lost the one friend I made here. Does that somehow validate what he thought of me? Validate the leaving? I really am not a good person to be around?

Colleagues, co-workers, clients find delight in me but they only know the public face. Finding other friends is an untrodden path for me. It's never been easy for me to make friends. I've always been the type to only have a very few close confidants and friends. Definately a detriment now.

The church was the place to make acquaintances at least. A common creed and common pot luck recipies gave entry into social circles. I don't even know where to go here. I know the standard thought - activity interest groups, volunteering, etc. The really bad part is I have little energy to devote to such endeavors. New job, new business, new home, new environment, new healing. I may be a TV junkie but it is also a place of escape and solace I need. I need others yet need so much time alone.

and I do not want to make my roommate, however sweet and giving, into a confidant friend. She is my roommate. I'm not interested in deepening the acquaintanceship.

I realized I had spend days not surfing over to the blog and was pleased the thought had not crossed my mind. Then I view and obsess and wonder and cry and stay up too late trapped by thoughts that need to escape. Delete the shortcut. does that delete the relationship?

Looking at pictures - only a few that happen to cross my hands - it is like seeing a stranger. Did I know this person? Was that time only a dream? There is a fatalistic side of me that seems to believe this was inevitable. I review my life and see these stages - childhood, fracture, schooling, Japan, return, falling in love, college, marriage, graduation, work, brokeness, betrayal, loss. All these things so common to all yet unique in their arrangement in my life. Yet there is this childhood, marriage, now feeling that skips over the marriage To childhood, learning, now. Like the marriage was always something that wasn't going to last. A stage i would go through but then be able to divorce from emotionally as easily as the divorce proceeded on paper. Not that it was a mistake - no, this is not saying the marriage was a mistake. But a cosmic path that was an option. I chose the option, lived it out and now am back on the path after some sort of pleasant interlude. An interlude I can distance myself from and only keep the kernals of knowledge and experience I gained.

Perhaps all this esotericism is 2am. perhaps it is because I am litterally in another world. New home, new town, new job, new atmosphere. After all, I was only married and living with him for 6 weeks before I was alone here. I have no desire to return to Alaska. I wonder if a return would trigger things? of course it would - wouldn't it? yet I'm the one he taught, wooed, cultivated, lectured into becoming more emotional. Some of that is retained but there is a very familiar, comfortable detachment. Like choosing to abandon that detachment was somehow a breach of self, a giving away of my core that should never have been given. So in losing one thing I've come home to another. A bit wiser, having experience more but back to acknowledging and keeping truer to my core self.

I gave up too much of myself to the marriage. I think we both did. If only we could have learned this sooner and not had to seperate, lose each other. We were sooooo goood together!! There was so much goodness and richness to what we had together. Was it really his secret or my blackness that was the reason at each ascribes to the other? I've learned now the power of my mind to control my brain chemicals. The emotionalness - in touchness that I learned in the marriage really strongly contributed to my going out of control. With detachment has come an almost disappearance of symptoms and the continual reduction of medication.

So what is healing? Getting over him? Getting off all meds? Knowing limits? it does not help to ask why but the question still haunts. I gained so much from this precious relationship and I miss soooo many things. Why can't we get together now - now that we're learning enough of ourselves to make the us whole again?

Friends, family think I'm foolish for entertaining the thought of getting back together again. No matter what the Christian community thinking is, so the consensus goes, gay is gay and should not invite such a stumbling block back into the relationship. They point to my health improvement. Yet how do I explain it is all so much more complicated than that? I am much improved in health yet still have many hangups. And part of the improvement is acknowledgement of limits. so would new knowledge equal new health in the relationship? for the long term? yes and probably no.

The thoughts are getting circular and nonsensical now. the truth is a broken relationship is always subject to review and I think there are few satisfactory answers to be found.